Shades of Drew

Have you ever been so lonely that the word alone itself does not weigh enough to carry the meaning or explain the feeling of seeking comfort in sad songs and slow melodies that play on repeat in my mind and I find no release in the solid belief of one divine who with one thought could change the direction of circular motions that never seem to ever settle in one time or on one place back and forth from one end of this space to another and I just want to stop. I just want to stop. The world keeps spinning and I just want to stop. The river keeps flowing and I just want to stop. The wind keeps blowing and I just want to stop. The fire keeps burning and I just want to stop. By Andrew J. Dorsey December 26, 2009 - 11:58 p.m.

Tears that crowd my room I can not dry nor comfort with promises of a brighter day, or a welcoming light at the end of the tunnel. This state of mind is dangerous and forces me to manipulate those who care for me, using mindless jokes or empty gestures to distract their attention and divert their focus to anything other than the loneliness that's devouring me. This state of mind leaves me swinging from rope to rope, never with any hope of escaping the routine, caught in a loop - a circle as wide as a dream and endless as time itself. This state of mind is no one's friend and is the beginning of the end of a life ill-spent, searching for a single diamond in a pool of shit. This state of mind makes me want to give up and end this fight - fight to satisfy him and appease her and understand me. I would say I quit and release myself from the guilt - feelings of guilt for wanting to be happy. This state of mind makes me believe I do not deserve and could never earn the state of mi...

Knowing is not what angers me the most-it's what I know - that no matter what I say or do....or how much I beg and plead she will continue to run back to him. Sworn to keep a truth told in secret, bound by loyalty to a friendship far more solid that her relationship - I keep my lips sealed, my heart reaches out to her. I wish she see could see the truth in my eyes . I wish she could hear the cries of my heart for her-she who holds fast to a lie, broken promises and wasting her energy, spinning wheels leave marks on my heart, evident that the pain was there. Even if she could see in my eyes the truth or hear from my heart or were told from my lips, she would stand still in place, counting the seconds, hours, days and before you know it, overwhelmed with sorrow watching the decade fall apart, terrified by distant cries from a younger her. If I had the key to set her free yet held it tightly in my fist, am I as guilty as he who stomps her heart or am I to be considered wis...

The winds beneath my wings, you were the momentum that kept me going and I thank you For all the whispered prayers that spoke so loudly in my life - for the heart felt tears and the strength to let me grow, I thank you Even when your heart broke from the times I hurt you, still there was enough love to hold us together - taking pictures through shattered lenses - scattered pieces you glue in place and see so clearly and for this, I thank you Hiding between sheets of glass, invisible and layers of confidence - you found me there and elevated me beyond a dream an enlightened reality, coasting through struggles on your waves of assurance How many times can I say - in how many tongues can can I speak - with how many hugs can I show? I thank you and let you know that I love you. By Andrew J. Dorsey April 11, 2009 - 4:21 AM CT

I saw you the other day and my mind started to wander as I wondered about kissing you..... First your eyes capture mine, lost in euphoric daydreams, one after the other, coming as quickly as going, scared to blink, cause we might loose our connection - holding on to hope for affection. I saw you the other day and my mind started to wander as I wondered about holding you.... My arms around yours and your arms around mine, our energy illuminates, piercing the shadows as our our horizontal dance, our touch of romance and your unmeasurable warmth, rising from between the sheets as my thighs begin to greet.....welcome home whispers my heart to calm his raging beast, so hurried to conquer...and I never want this moment to end. I saw you the other day and my mind started to wander as I wondered about being you..... Writing words about me....symmetrical line after line mirroring my emotion like the moon on the ocean, peaceful and calm with the force of a storm....slowly brewing inside, no roo...

Why do I let it upset me so? So angry that my thoughts...random and unpredictable, like a feather in the mind - never settling on any idea. No definitely not peace, not forgiveness, not LOVE. Just a pure, unrated DISGUST! Yes..YOU, who allow them to treat you that way. YOU who are more than you ever imagined, possessing potential beyond comprehension...BEAUTIFUL and KIND...and you allow these blessings to be oppressed by violent eruptions from a coward's hand or empty utterances from a bully's lies! Is this all you want for yourself? Being mad at you has made me mad at me...for sitting back and watching your rapid decline into a pit of despair, dug by the hands and words of them that don't even know the real YOU. Yeah, they know the you whose face is still swollen from their last expression of their love or whose arms is still broken from the last time you disturbed his pride...or whose heart is still broken from the last time they came home with someone else on their ...

What kind of man am I? I don't even know who I am...done spent the good part of my life in a constant state of change, being what they wanted me to be, doing things they needed done, desperately seeking, hoping to prove to them. But what kind of man am I? Never ever really defining self, my face an empty canvass...giving them paint brushes to draw on the face, driving me to a place where I move to the beat of their drum - dancing through a performance, directed by them, my insatiable audience. The performance I wish would end. So what kind of man am I? I want to break free f rom their chains, but the pains have become so familiar that I am afraid to move, afraid of the wounds that freedom expose. The comfort of my prison allows me to walk through life asleep, always hitting snooze on my dreams...dreams that lie dormant, with a lack of vision, infertile efforts discourage ascension. Periodically peeking my eye out of my cell, hoping to give hope a chance, but I sit and st...

I rolled over this morning staring at an extra pillow, wondering what it would be like to gaze into your eyes-holding you in my arms, my leg rested between your thighs A sensual embrace oh so close lying with nothing between us, face to face-only us on our mind, our love thumping and beating like the drummer boy preparing the soldier for war Our lips call out to one another, longing to feel the exotic exchange between you and me, forever US we can be And I wonder if my dreams of US ever crossed your mind Do we move with time, mesmerized by the rhyme of our sighs, passionate screams saturated by the excitement of the moment I wonder if this is just a game to see how quickly I will drop my pants or how far you can get me to go before I change who I am and loose all I have - pushing my limits, only to be deserted with a hand-full of hopes and dreams - exhausted ambitions cloud my vision, blinded and muted by wrong decisions Maybe my wonder has clipped my wings and left me grounded, unable...

I've been staring in decision's face, aimlessly seeking the best path through dark places, holding tight to the last spark of hope, a twinkle of light quickly fading, lost behind trees that tower, shielding the shower of peace. I'm constantly reaching for peace beyond my sight, fighting for day, enraged by night.  Lifeguards swarm around me, listening for a cry for help, wanting to help but here I hide - behind brick walls and concrete slabs - sleeping, trying to camouflage  the simple fact that I feel feelings that I feel are best left unspoken - for fear that the spoken will breathe lift into feelings best left untold. So until decision has rested its hand on me, I tell myself - You will be OK.  Yep...Myself - You will be OK. By Andrew J Dorsey January 27, 2009 - 5:53 p.m.

You're the only one I want - to kiss your lips, so soft and supple - sending a tingle that overwhelms by body, exciting my senses You're the only one I want - to call when my heart is broken when it seems my world is crumbling to pieces like I can't see a way up from down You're the only one I want - to ride along life's journey, this bumpy ride with twists and turns that strengthen our foundation and makes us wiser You're the only one I want - to stand by my side before the preacher on our wedding day, vowing to share myself, energy, time, and resources - a pure and true expression of our love You're the only one I want - to hold my hand when my last breath escapes, resting peacefully knowing that we gave each other all we had to give, that we loved each other with all the love our hearts could hold You're the only one I want - to want me. By:  Andrew J. Dorsey January 18, 2009 - 9:02 a.m.

I wish I could write a happy poem, full of life and overflowing with words to encourage God's people, but I can't control the pen - a caged beast who has out-grown himself, waiting for the opportunity to show it's true colors. It's true identity, strategically hidden behind placid faces, a daily struggle to hide his true nature - afraid that the fear has conquered the spirit of the untamed beast, secluded in shadowed corners, finding comfort in uneasy delight. I wish I could sing a song full of joy and inspiration, lift up God's people - a song designed with melodic notes and catchy tunes - but no one would want to hear my song.  I open my mouth with an intention to bring peace and sooth the tension, but I fail to mention the beast that grows out of my control - always wondering what the future will hold. I wish even this would console me and motivate you, but what you see  is what you get - the beast. By Andrew J Dorsey January 12, 2009 - 4:09 p.m.