Shades of Drew

I hate you so much for making me love you so much and I can't stand it For making me explore desires I thought had long past, faded into the dark of night but try as I might to resist your call here I stand falling for You I hate you so much for making me love you so much and I can't stand it For making me want to share myself with you, believing your poetic words, so elegantly woven with a plot to weaken my defenses but I highten my senses and here I stand falling for You I hate you so much for making me love you so much and I can't stand it For making my body yearn for your touch for needing to hear your voice to smell your cologne to dance to your song and I know that it is wrong and here I stand falling for You I hate you so much for making me love you so much and I can't stand it For making me think about you with every tick of the clock quietly hoping that you think of me knowing that we're destined to be and here I stand falling for You I hate you so much for...

This Christmas, as like the past 27 before, I stand alone with no one to call my own and nothing to show for the years of selfish dedications. This Christmas as like the past 27 before, I try to fill blank pages with purpose - try to stand strong and mask the misery that infects my nature. This Christmas as like the past 27 before, I build up false hopes and unwrap card board boxes, nestled gently under the triangular symbol of the season. This Christmas as like the past 27 before, am thankful for my family and friends, in whom lies the strength of my loose grip of sanity. Family and friends without whom life would be pointless. This Christmas as like the past 27 before, I plan to make the next year better, change my ways, mend my heart, do my part to encourage the nation. This Christmas as like the past 27 before, there will be no kiss underneath my mistletoe, no hug in the midnight hour to warm the cold. There will be no love like Romeo and Juliet showed - but... This Christmas as ...

How could I let you build me up with hope and fill me with thoughts blinding my eye from reality. I listened to your promises, wishing that you could somehow share in love with me. However absurd, I wanted them to be true. Hearing songs that drown my heart with tears and empty arms can find no hug to mute the void, screaming silent cries...HOLD MEEeee .... I fall asleep tonight the same way I woke up this morning....alone. So how? How could I, why would I permit you to start the ignition to a car headed for a cliff? I thought I was smarter than to fall for your flattery, thinking that maybe we could build a foundation strong enough to withstand distance and time. How could I do this to myself again? Never again...I quit. By: Andrew J Dorsey December 19, 2008 - 11:54 p.m.

You make me feel emotions I thought only existed in fairy tales - my happily ever after could be real  You make me feel like I'm dancing so close to danger and enjoying every moment - living life riding on the thrilling waves of passion You make me feel like I am pretty, like the rolls of my curves are more than a weight of shame - embracing who I am, believing who I can become You make me feel like I can share every part of me with every part of you - trusting you to help strengthen my fragile heart You make me feel like singing songs that tickle the earlobes of Heaven's angels - melodic sounds that birth new rhyme You make me feel like I'm young again and like age has no number - free from the restraints that would bind our potential You make me feel like I can fly to the clouds above, soaring through our imagination - creating new dreams reaching heights unseen You make me feel excited to wake up in the morning to thoughts of us - excited to go to sleep at night to knock...

Nervous - even scared to open my eyes Helpless - I have this man between my thighs I don't know what to do - I wish I knew what to say It's not supposed to happen this way I'm a good boy - just as good as they come I'm a good boy - about to get me some Please don't judge me for what I'm about to do. Because if you had a man like this, you'd probably do it too. Nervous - I don't know what comes next Helpless - I can't believe what we 'bout to have sex. Where are the instructions? Daddy never taught me this. And Momma never told me about this bliss. I'm a good boy - just as good as they come I'm a good boy - about to get me some Ouch...take it easy - I ain't that sleazy. Nice and slow - good and fast. Just pace yourself, I want to make it last. Don't look at me like that. You know you wish you had some of what you looking at! Brown eyes, sexy thights Caramel skin, baby where you been? Strong arm, Casanova charm! I'm a good boy -...

Hey You pretending you don't know and I wonder if you care that You are the one for me. Years evolved into a new millennium of me waiting for You, but one thing you forgot - Love is ALIVE!! ...and like all other living things, Love grows. The love I once knew for You has grown and morphed, shifted and changed into an emotion I dare not name - and it's not my fault - You are to blame. I refuse to allow Depression's weight to hold me down or Lonely's pain to stain my crown - not ashamed of the patience I had - waiting for you or the Love I saved -  to share with You. I can walk with my head up and proud - shout with my lungs open wide - my feelings are important, and I will not hide. I will pull myself up by the straps of boots that don't fit and loosen their grip to know their comfort. I won't be mad at You for making your choices - doing who's popular, ignoring the voices - of our heart. Our heart beating as one, but you dance to a different tune, failing to...

If when it rains it pours, I'm drowning in tears - slowly sinking to greet rock's bottom. Hoping not to see them there - all the plans and hopes and dreams why even try - as hard as it seems. I want to just give up and face my end, yet I tarry, lingering, trying to pretend - that what they see camouflages the hurt and despair, the muting fact - no one to care...if the face I wear should even be there - if the smile that extends from ear to ear can hide the fact that I want my end to be here. With my luck, as bad as it is, I'll find happiness and want to live and it'll all be over within the tick of a clock - fate to be sealed, the door to be locked - and the thing for which I impatiently wait will stand square in my face...laughing and saying - the big, fat dummy took the bait. By Andrew J Dorsey 9/22/08 - 1:01 PM - Monday

Before I got here, I had so much to say. So many thoughts and ideas, hopes and dreams, plans and aspirations...all shot to shit. Pardon my language, but a lack of words have slowed me down. I know there is no excuse...nothing to excuse my feelings. Before I leave here, what will I say to make it good? What will I do to heal the pain...like salt on my wound. Figuratively speaking it really hurts. From beginning to end, the endless cycle of mind-numbing confusion overwhelms my thoughts. By Andrew J Dorsey Saturday -April 7, 2007 - 6:33 P.M.

Why does loneliness hurt so much? So much it makes me loose touch with reality and my loose grip on sanity. Wishing wishless wishes and dreaming dreamless dreams. The thing I long for to birth a smile... Living life to satisfy His will, giving up all I've ever wanted. Finding joy the things that are outside of my character. Striving to be someone I never desired to be. Walking blindly, using the foresight of Him not seen. I dare not proclaim a name in fear of disrespect. I silence my tongue and give up my me-ness. By Andrew J Dorsey Sunday - 7/30/2006 - 8:37 P.M.

What the hell were you thinking? Letting him in your heart, even into the sacred part. Giving of yourself all that he could never deserve! Wake up! Doing things you said you'd never do, forgetting all that is YOU. Compromising your character for what he thought was the best he'd ever had...but let's be real it wasn't worth it! OH, you think it felt good huh? Yeah, I bet if felt real good - waiting for the phone call that would never come, listening to his sob story about being 40 short for the rent. Lying in bed alone with dried tear's crust glued to your cheek, shamefully wishing she knew your pain...as she held your man. ...and right when you think you've gotten it together and can make it without him, here he comes with his smile and promise of a better man, with the cell phone bill in the other hand - give him a dollar to pay the bill and continue waiting for the phone call that would never come. Yeah, your relationship had trust - you could trust that he wo...

Instead of this I want to hold a grasp of happiness in the palm of my hand, but it seems to slip through the gaps between my fingers. Instead of this, I want to laugh and wipe away tears from the abundance in my heart. Instead of this, I want to rest with the assurance that all is well. Instead of this, I want an elegant poem to woo my senses and soothe this. Instead of this, I want to dream of soaring peacefully through clouds of love and serenity. Instead of this, I almost anything would be better. Instead of this, I end this letter. By Andrew J Dorsey 5/1/08

Today I flew dangerously close to realizing my end...too close for comfort and too far from contentment. In a flash I ascended above now and experienced a glance into then a brief glance that left me further down than I thought I'd ever be. So confused with so much to say so much hidden compressed behind concrete walls and stone barriers. Maybe one day light will gather the strength to pierce darkness' grip - ease the pain from shame's mark - until then I rest my ink to stop and think. By Andrew J Dorsey 4/12/08 - 10:03 AM

I challenge myself to wirte a positve poem, full of light, hope and accomplished dreams. To look past all that is and discover what should be. I challenge myself to rise above and out of despair to embrace the promises I rejected - to walk in the peace of confidence in who I am and the potential of what I will become - happy. Today happiness doesn't seem as far away as yesterday. I didn't need a hug or kiss to find this point. I only needed to open my eyes and realize the power I have to live. So today I smile for what I know will come. A real smile backed by faith that one day, I will live happily and free. By Andrew J Dorsey 1/23/08 - 5:30 PM

Now I write to stop the finger from pulling the trigger - done did too much to make it all good....and too scared to uncover what I might discover on the other end. And finally tears to wash it all away. i just don't think I could go another day. Ashamed to face the ones I love...the disappointment in their eyes, starring through me, exposing the lies - innocent lies of happiness of confidence of intelligence. And finally tears to erase yesterday's contentment and discover today's despair . By Andrew J Dorsey 1/23/08 - 4:30 PM

(Inspired by the movie, P.S. I Love You ) I want to be some one's Jerry - to be missed, to be kissed with a passion that envelopes my hungry heart, so full of love, yet so empty - thirsty - an insatiable desire to be some one's Jerry. Everyday I see them smile, laugh, dance, and play - teasing my feeling - and they don't know - wonder if they even care if I'll ever be some one's Jerry. They say there's someone out there for everyone, but that doesn't mean that the someone will find me. Somebody loves me, but no one holds me in their heart. I want to be chosen. I want to be some one's Jerry. When will I, if ever will I meet the one who has been waiting for me. I can hardly wait to feel the connection to know his affection...reassuring me. I can hardly wait to hear those words that tickling my thoughts - I love you. Oh how I want to be some one's Jerry. Those who don't have a Jerry desperately seek, even pay to find him - those who have a Jerry des...

Lonesome tears fall on a sunny day, when the air is so full of laughter. hearing words from whose who inspire, fighting the urge to shout, "SHUT UP YOU LIAR!" They say these words do not satisfy their inner thirst for lust, ignoring the hidden message, the subtle cry for help, not attention - nevertheless, pressing forward with selfish intention. I could write about the sun, if the rain would not shade the day. I could smile for real if I could lie about the way I feel. I am taught that true peace rests in the love of God, so I wrap myself with God's jacket of love - that just doesn't fit...and I'm tired of fighting to put it on. Slowly drowning in a pool of water, I just want a breath - can I breathe? Then I realize that the jacket doesn't fit, because I'm overweight with the cares of this world. So I release the stress, step out of the mess, pray God to bless and fill the emptiness. Although I never could, I probably never should...cry for all that I...

Raindrops racing one after the other, gracefully maneuvering around dirt clusters glued to my window pane. Starring aimlessly at an empty glass of champagne. Raindrops floating through the air, dancing among the stars with the wind, bouncing between here and there where silence disturb sound in soothing waves, then clash with the ground. Raindrops moving closer to me from afar, scratching my surface without leaving a scar, invading sacred places - an undesired necessity - finding light moonlight chases. Raindrops singing me to sleep with soft melodies, penetrating my anxious mind - leaving stress behind. Hypnotizing hymnals, relaxing tones that arrest time, ticking and tocking and grandfather's chimes. Raindrops with me where ever I go, building up streams that neither ebb or flow - drowning hills and mountain tops - small and steady, promising potential to flood us all, dating centuries, non one could recall. Raindrops racing, raindrops floating, raindrops moving, raindrops si...

I have feelings I can't explain, racing through my veins, tingling and tantalizing my senses. I have feelings that make me want to touch it and rub it and feel it, filling me from the inside out, hypnotized by the ummmm... caught up in a daze, lost at first gaze. I just can't stop wanted and yearning for you to hold me, sensually, passionately, romantically, sexually. I have feelings that I just can't control taking over me - has me wet and I'm not done yet, in fact it has just begun. I fought it for so long, but you have won. Take me. I give to you all that's within me, watching your expressions as you taste my perfections, the pressure rising, throbbing for release, so I slow it down to calm the beast. Not ready to explode - concentrate baby and hold your load while my hips sway to the rhythm of your sighs, gently massaging this beast between my thighs. With pulses racing my heart shaken, mesmerized by the love we're making. Doing things I never thought I'...

Today someone hugged me and I almost could not let go - strange affections raced through my veins - the hair stood up on my neck - to feel loved. Today someone smiled at me and I was locked in a distant stare - easily amused and quickly lifted from a sea of dejection, shielded by reflections of rejections. Today someone said HELLO and I was seen, ripped from the clutches of invisibility. Questioning readiness and loosing patience - mindless judgements and forced seclusion. Today someone prayed with me and my heart was revived - hope returned to visit the dark spaces - my familiar places. Welcome oh gentle warmth to warm the cold, welcome oh gentle cool to sooth my soul. Today someone asked if I was OK and I said, "I'm fine." I lied. I lied to evade the cliches and I lied to suppress my feelings that fester within. But today, I felt loved, today I was lifted, today I was seen, was encouraged, today, I lied. By Andrew J Dorsey 6/11/2008 - 2:41 p.m.

At times I find myself laughing when there isn't anything funny - no joke or comedians to tickle by funny bone - sitting here laughing alone. Trying to make a home of a stick and stone, starring at this house, my house, dreaming of pictures on these empty walls, gazing into dirty mirrors . Lost on an endless search for answers to a question I'm afraid to ask. The whys begin to overlap and merge with the whens, who's - whose fault harbors the blame for the shame that masks my face - bravery torn from my confident stride. I wish I could disappear without a trace, never to have been here before in this desolate place - another force guides this pen as I guide over page after page of immortal disgrace once I was told to burn the pen and turn from the paper for a fear that I would someday write myself into a place I fear I've already arrive. No comfort here among hurtful memories and fake laughter so many thoughts that cloud my mind and ultimately define who I am - what I...

Sometimes I get so upset at myself for allowing myself to fall so deeply in love with the thought of truly loving you. Spending so much of my energy trying to be someone you would never appreciate. SO overwhelmed with thoughts of one day being held a willing captive in your arms, snuggled safely in your embrace. Often times I sit and pray for a breath absent of your scent - praying for a thought with no impression of you. Secretly wishing that you and I could walk through a perpetual whirlwind together, in each other's smile - in each other's hearts. I only can yearn so much to experience you before the yearning and desire transforms into a pure hate. I can only hold back the urge to know you - to really know you for so long before I have completely run out of words to pen the way I feel. By Andrew J Dorsey April 1, 2008 - 8:47 p.m.

As much as I would like to be the man you dreamed I'd be, I am grateful for the man I am - at least that's what I tell myself. Day by day, seconds evolve into hours that I sit and wish I could the find strength you need to see in me. As much as I would like to dance with you the rhythms that excite your emotion, I am proud to move through time in unique motions that appear to fade into the back of your thoughts - or at least that's what I tell myself. As much as I would like to possess the curves that evoke your passion, I am content with the plump physique I call, ME - at least that's what I tell myself. As much as I would like to be OK without you, I'm NOT - at least that's what I tell myself. By Andrew J Dorsey March 19, 2008 - 9:37 p.m.

Sometimes I wonder when my heart fell, then continue to fall in fields of rocks and stones - trying to duck and dodge the waves of hills missing the thrills of all I should be glad. Sometimes I wonder when I will laugh for real - an uncontrollable laughter that shakes the walls that trap me. Holding me back from forward - quickly slipping through halls of regret, jumping over empty holes, playing a game of life that won't quit. Sometimes I wonder why the soldiers who signed up for war die when the ones unwillingly drafted escape the welcoming , comforting clutches of death. Sometimes I wonder who I am, who I should be and how to fill the gap in between, which is where I am stuck. Chipping away at cracks to see the light - fussing with life, running toward the end, with no thought of the road. Sometimes I wonder if all I despise about the painting is the very thing that makes the painting priceless. Wonder why every time I try to be happy my eyes are clouded with despair. Wond...

In a world of lonely people I have my cell phone and no one to call. So close to all I have and no one to share. In a world of lonely people, I have my house built of bricks and sticks on lands of lonely hands. People walking by, waving as they pass, racing to beat the mass of lonely people. In a world of so many lonely people I have no one to hold, no one to read these thoughts to, hugging my pillow in a leu of a person in a world of lonely people. Don't cry for me dear world of lonely people I have my own tears to console my soul - no other lonely people to make me whole. Today I saw a world of lonely people. I closed my eyes to fight my very last tear, during the last one I said this is my year. I open my mouth hoping to say something that will catch the attention of a world of lonely people. As I dance through this world of lonely people, softly grazing the essence of those I see - stealing anything, borrowing whatever I can use to allude a huge, immense world of lonely people...

You make me feel like ooo-wee when you look at me and thoughts of your embrace make me feel like ooo-wee I don't know your name and have never seen your face, but the image of you makes me feel like ooo-wee Incoherent babbling from uncontrollable desires and irresistable charms and my body nestled gently in your arms makes me feel like ooo-wee Satisfying my emotion since I feel for your potion - reading my mind as we defy time - giving me what I want before I knew you had it, riding the tides of your love, ebbing one into the other lying here next to you, makes me feel like ooo-wee Secretly yearning for you who I never even knew - constantly dreaming of your style, about the way your teeth emerge through your smile. Only an imagination - so vivd and detailed - full of life and it makes me feel like ooo-wee OOO-WEE...OOO-WEE...OOO-WEE...OOO-WEE By Andrew J Dorsey May 28, 2008 - 10:55 a.m.