Shades of Drew

I sit here lost in a dream of happiness, drowning in my own tears-wishing that I could step off this cliff and defy gravity's rules, soar through the clouds and find that place - far away from here where I don't belong I can't dry my eyes because tears don't stop even when you can't see them on my face, they swell and ebb like ocean tides, filling the empty chambers of my heart I want to feel real love, not the fake imitations that have left me sour, sore, and stiff.  Stiff so I can't move to the light.  I want someone to reach through this darkness and ignite the flame inside me that has been my stranger. Simply put, I am so sad, so hurt, and feel so embarrassed...so I quit...I give up....I give up. By Andrew J. Dorsey May 3, 2009 - 3:08 a.m.

I want him and she wants him too.  But now it doesn't matter, because what matters most is that he chooses not to choose.  Parading his affection across bold lines, drawn in cement..cement has hard and cold as my beaten heart. And now I don't even know what to say and don't even know if I want you to swing my way, but would you stay?  Could the comfort of my bosom quench your thirst or satisfy your hunger? Drifting in and out of view with silent goodbyes and needy hellos.  Then there I stand waiting with folded arms that fall apart at the sound of your voice. You know though...it doesn't really matter, because what really matters is that you choose not to choose and that's a matter of fact. By Andrew J. Dorsey Thursday - September 10, 2009

Living in love with one you hate causes me to know this excruciating pain, a resilient hurt that shades any hope of light, blinding my sight and though I try with all my might to ignore...even try to pretend that I can escape, I find there's no rescue from this torture that torments my heart When I hear your name or you voice calling out to me...a sound I used to welcome...a sound for which I thirsted...a constant prayer to lie next to you, in your arms, now the answer to my prayer has left a permanent scar on my heart that powder won't cover though a failed attempt to mask with a smile helps me breathe another breath, helps my fragile heart beat another beat, still underneath all the glitter lies a broken-hearted, lonely boy, desperately seeking to believe that Love is not just a creative spark from a romantic's imagination Living in love with the one you hate is not living at all! By Andrew J. Dorsey April 19, 2009 - 7:25 PM

I want someone that is all you...all you just the way you are. The way your laugh makes me smile and your hug makes me feel like everything is alright. All you just the way you are and no one else can make me feel when you fill my heart with joy on those rainy days and cold winter nights. Without saying much even when there is so much to say you make me forget the reason for these tears. I want you and only you no one else ... just the way you are. I love you. By Andrew J. Dorsey Thursday - October 22, 2009 at 6:56 p.m. 

I'm so tired of being a prop in someone else's story.  So very tired of living in a dream with my head so full of lifeless thoughts, and maybe that's why? I want to find the rhythm of my own heartbeat...but for now I dance to the heartbeat of their experience.  Just trying to find the place where I belong. Constantly redrawing the face on the blank image that's trapped in the mirror.  I want to do great things but would settle for one small that could awaken this dead place inside me, void places where even shadows dare not venture. So for now, I hide from failure and from success.  I hide from loneliness and from love.  I hide from all that exists outside this, my reality.  For now, I'll smile and tell myself everything is okay. To all those I've failed, find some comfort in knowing that I suffer with you...lost in this prison of fear and misplaced affections. Excuse me now while I continue this game of charades, put on this smile, and perform fo...

Sometimes I want to sing a song, but the words are too painful to hear, like the very syllable was designed to choke the life from my breath, becoming more and more shallow. I want to stop and smell the roses, but the thorns are too Sharp, cutting and slashing their way through what is left, a seed with no purpose starved and thirsty for anyone with anything to ignite a spark of hope or a narrow beam of light, but the darkness is too overwhelming and I can not see my way through this lonely path. So I drag my heels, one foot in front of the other in a slow, consent race to know which foot with give out first to follow the in the way of my heart to be here just to say it's here with no purpose, an empty beat. My heart so torn and hurt, so far out and off the beat and yet I dance on... one heel in front of the other being dragged by the wind in circular motions never really moving forward. So I struggle to find an end to this poem and an end to what some of us call life. By...

I cry tears that my pride won't let me show with an empty heart for a man I'll never know. Listening to stories from people who built bridges with him that I'd never cross, accepting sympathies, exchanges hugs, like a vampire I feed from their memories of him. Not really sure about what to feel so confused about how to deal with this pain...I know time with heal, deep gashes from a stranger's thrashes. Leaves me here in a place where only a blank stare can soothe a racing mind and scrambling to piece together thoughts to construct a man I can call Daddy. By Andrew J. Dorsey May 4, 2012 - 9:18 a.m

Never Be I'll never be .. Never be the one that he loves so much that he thinks about me when I'm not there or be the one for whom he yearns .. The one who makes him smile when things seem grim .. Never be the one for him. I'll never be the one nestled so tightly in his arms that our breaths become one my heartbeat mistaken for his we rest with each other finding comfort in one another experiencing love like none other. I'll never be .. Never be the one who is just right for him. His dream come true .. The one for whom he has prayed and waited for. The one to whom no one compares .. Never be the one for him. So I try to wrap my mind around this fact and focus on what will be .. Slowly losing hope and quickly forgetting that out there somewhere there is something greater .. but my greatest fear is that what could be will .. NEVER BE. By:  Andrew Dorsey April 28, 2013 - 7:56 p.m.

Hoist the sail and close my eyes tight praying with my soul bare that this course is right. I've seen this tear before... salt-filled, formed by the misery you caused ...put one foot on the ship as the other drags behind, shake off the fear as I make up my mind. This is the last voyage and one I must do alone ...no bon voyage or friends to cheer me on. Waters wade and rise the tides overtake me and I have no choice.  The winds fill my sail and the deck is slippery I walk with caution and fall victim to a blank stare but now is the time and I do not care. I sail away from you standing on the shore feet bare in the sand yet you hide your heart and push me away waiting for me return.  Tired of your games with no rules.  I feel your stare ripping a hole in my back hoping that I will fall so you can lick my wounds. The wind lifts my hair and I feel weights lifting chains breaking as the back of my hand waves goodbye and the front hello to a bright, new future just be...

Today, much improved from the days before, I feel - which is more than ever I have before and I'm grateful.  Such powerful words that most underestimate - I feel.   Revived by the smallest hint of hope that there could be more - there must be more, because I feel happy - no masks or illusive symbols to camouflage the pain.   While not completely soothed, the pain is no longer who I am - no longer all I think I'd perceive, because I feel!   Heart warmed over and new life begins!  Even if short-lived, even the smallest spark - no matter how miniscule - reminds me that feeling is worth it!   Embracing all that is to come - not (as I used to) clinging to the void, the utter emptiness that pain offers - instead holding fast to LIFE, walking in LOVE - albeit often misunderstood.   Love, once fully realized, is an inextinguishable force - the very tangible substance, stronger than gravity - that sustains us, the very inspiration for creat...

Walking around during midnight chasing the sun - been in darkness for so long that I've lost sight of when it all had begun.  Here is your road map to success:  pray before you think, because all you've built can be gone in a blink. It all seemed so good, and I thought I had it all together. But couldn't stay the course distracted by stormy weather. Lessons learned, bridges burned, and feeling so left behind. Trapped and enslaved by the misconceptions birthed in my own mind. Misconceived, misconstrued, misbehaved, and self-abused. Never thought picking myself up would be so hard, with heavy ladened with guilt I traipse along wounded and healing with God as my guard. Seemingly impossible, but it seems that the seem allows room for hope - and when it seems that all is lost no matter what the cost I will keep moving forward - even when moving forward means standing still.  By:  Andrew J. Dorsey  March 19, 2014 - 12:25 a.m.