Shades of Drew

Like my heart, I watch my hand leap in front of me grasping for what is right before my eyes, only to pull back a fist full of air. Nothing of sustenance or anything solid - so I drift around, floating between thoughts - from one to another seeking the other half of me, when I should already be complete. Yet the hole that's there grows and becomes full of nothing. I want to take it back. I want to take back my blissful ignorance of my childhood years. Because in order to know Love, you have to know pain. But what Is one to do when the pain becomes more familiar than the love? When the desire to desire has died and the breath of life becomes too heavy to breathe? I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be okay. I pretend and wear fake smiles that have even begun to fool me. Maybe if I wear this smile long enough it will become a permanent fixture. After all, happiness is the gift of blindness when the picture has lost all its color. By Andrew J. Dorsey February 28, 2010 - 1:49 a.m...

Should I even be thinking these thoughts or even writing these words? Lying here alone in my bed thinking silly thoughts, ones that no one would dare to admit. Wondering where I was conceived - like the where would even matter if he who does not do what he was conceived to do. Wondering where the love of my life was conceived or had he even been conceived? These are the crazy things that crowd my mind and impede my senses. Struggling to make sense of senseless wonders and painless statements that no meaning. Reversed from my gradual ascension, I land here in the place where dreams lie to rest and vision are blurred by silly thoughts that gain strength from being still - not being moved to action. And with no motivation to believe, I find comfort, digging through piles of hollow pebbles, searching for the one stone that would add oxygen to a dying flame. Now where do I hide these silly thoughts that bounce in unequal patterns around in my head and I want to retract my feelings, but ...

Here I stand, trying to hold together borders that are about to give way - a vessel so full of love and affection, about to explode. Not sure if I can contain it - oozing from every orifice of my body. I only want to share all this emotion with one to whom I can prove my devotion. So fed up with giving love that's left unnoticed and frustrated with wasted energy that never is reciprocated. So what am I do with this? Some say that my desire defies nature's demand that I find my borrowed rib in the womb of a woman. But my longing transcends the physical yearnings for satisfaction. I want to be happy - an obscure feeling, both subjective and illusive - carrying with it unmeasurable costs, and I am willing to pay. And if fate sees fit to leave me here standing, I give this heart of mine - useless and empty to be taken from me. Taken so that I have not to feel this vacancy scratching and tearing, thrashing and mutilating this aching vessel. By Andrew J. Dorsey February 2, 2010 ...