Shades of Drew

I could sit here and cry on this lonely Christmas night, but instead I rest my thoughts on the things that make me smile. THANK YOU LORD, for allowing me to see this day, for my family and friends who embrace me for all I am. I could sit here and drown in my misery on this rainy Christmas night, but instead I focus my energy on positive emotions. THANK YOU LORD for allowing me to see this day, for all the things I take for granted - for the things I don't deserve. I could sit here and wait for things to change on this cold Christmas night, but instead I wrap myself in warm blanks. THANK YOU LORD for allowing me to see this day, for the very breath that fills my lungs and fuels my muscle to action. I could sit here and think of all the things I should have done on this quiet Christmas night, but instead I ease my mind with happy memories. THANK YOU LORD for protecting my aching heart. On this lonely, rainy, cold, and quiet Christmas night, I lift my hands and say THANK Y...

When I look at you, the way you look at me - makes me feel like I'm dreaming, like you couldn't really be happening to me. Before our first glance, I never thought I'd get a chance to find someone who makes me want to live life - someone who could reunite me with the person I once was. Now I can say farewell to the stranger beating inside me - this stranger that with every motion powers my very breath - this stranger who has been broken and abused - this stranger called heart. So out of touch with the real me that I almost cried when these words escaped my lips - I don't know my heart anymore. The hurtful truth that stirs a pain, deep in the depths of the hidden parts of me - now revealed, an open womb, infected by lies that I allowed myself to believe. OHHH but when I look into your eyes, I see a younger me - full of hope and desire - a passion for life I thought would never quit. You make me see colors in a brand new vision, you make me hear songs in a bran...

Here we go again....the same ole lemon growing on my same ole apple tree and I don't know what to do and doubt there are any words even from sweetest lips that could soften the blow to my heart. Still playing my part in a script of life and I've lost my line, so I rehearse the same verse looking for a difference.... always one key off tune and one pitch short of my perfect melody. Too many dead leaves on the short branches of my apple tree and I don't know how much life is left in my roots...how much breath left in my dreams of joining the heights of those casting a shadow on my thoughts. So I sit and wait for a breeze to ignite all that is inside me. Standing the tallest of the shortest apple trees I want to nourish His people but have starved myself past the point of no return....but still lies hope deep in there....a place with no name so it can not be found. Hidden among insecurities that have overstayed a welcome that I never extended. Underneath my manicured bark ...

I want to live, but living just seems too hard. Too many complications! Where other see opportunity and adventure, I see another road to trek - too many miles for my feet to carry. I'm just tired damn it - TIRED! I've gotten so close to what I've always wanted only to find chocolate covered lies and sugar coated stories, designed to lure me in and I fall for it every time...and again I've lost another dime. Chasing a dream that's full of smoke and mirrors, tricks and illusive treats. So now here I am, lost in the same position I was before - scared to pick up the balls to do what I need to do, to be where I need to be. Sitting still, moving fast with a fist full of emptiness and a heart too broken to mend. The worst actor on a stage of seasoned performers. A little to the left, still stuck in place, a little to the right and now too ashamed to show my face. So, I'll move fast to find a place to sit still, because I'm TIRED. By Andrew J. Dors...

So there lies my heart, so confused and worn from the back and forth motions desperately trying to find the one piece to complete the cycle. Not really knowing the words to say to speak the feelings or enough colors to paint the picture of a heart that is beginning to heal. Pieces I thought would never find their place. Slowly beginning to show signs of life - life, a word I thought was too late to live and yet here I stand at the starting place of a whole new race, whole new perspective that took years to find. Took years to find through the many heartbreaks and hidden tears...and now I find the courage to allow strength to pu ll me up from the pool of the shattered pieces of my heart and to welcome love. The stranger that I have dreamed about and prayed for all my life. Now I am hopeful. Hopeful for a future that has no limits, hopeful for a love that twill bring together two worlds in a union that only fate could design. An orchestra of musical instruments driven by pu...

Living through virtual friends, reading posts and starring at pictures that I will never be a part of. Living life through the accomplished dreams of those I barely know , watching their laughter and silently covetimg their ambition. I want to scream but have lost my breath . I want to dream but have lost my sight. I want to live but have lost count of the rythem of my heart. Dancing clumsily on this dance floor trying to catch the beat , but my hands clap against the tap of my feet. Yet I stand, patiently and anxiously waiting for my chance to make a change. The golden opportunity to embrace my step. By Andrew J. Dorsey

Feeling spiritually inclined I attempt to purge the pain with each line but still it's here and I wish I could erase the times when I stood outside me and watched myself break my own heart Like a helpless child afraid even to look his opressor in the eye I wonder how I became so estranged from myself. Once I knew who I was and where I wanted to be.  Now that me seems so far away. There is so much distance in the gap that even my bridge forged in tears and hope seems to be no match. So I hold fast to the thin shreds of faith that hold me still.  Shreds that keep me here when my mind has already abandoned its rented space. In auto pilot I crawl out of bed, I wash this vessel, I do my song and dance, and then I fall back into bed. I do take comfort in knowing that what I have not the strength or courage to do, as I coast through existance on auto pilot, time will. By Andrew J. Dorsey May 11, 2010 - 11:49 p.m.

Like my heart, I watch my hand leap in front of me grasping for what is right before my eyes, only to pull back a fist full of air. Nothing of sustenance or anything solid - so I drift around, floating between thoughts - from one to another seeking the other half of me, when I should already be complete. Yet the hole that's there grows and becomes full of nothing. I want to take it back. I want to take back my blissful ignorance of my childhood years. Because in order to know Love, you have to know pain. But what Is one to do when the pain becomes more familiar than the love? When the desire to desire has died and the breath of life becomes too heavy to breathe? I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be okay. I pretend and wear fake smiles that have even begun to fool me. Maybe if I wear this smile long enough it will become a permanent fixture. After all, happiness is the gift of blindness when the picture has lost all its color. By Andrew J. Dorsey February 28, 2010 - 1:49 a.m...

Should I even be thinking these thoughts or even writing these words? Lying here alone in my bed thinking silly thoughts, ones that no one would dare to admit. Wondering where I was conceived - like the where would even matter if he who does not do what he was conceived to do. Wondering where the love of my life was conceived or had he even been conceived? These are the crazy things that crowd my mind and impede my senses. Struggling to make sense of senseless wonders and painless statements that no meaning. Reversed from my gradual ascension, I land here in the place where dreams lie to rest and vision are blurred by silly thoughts that gain strength from being still - not being moved to action. And with no motivation to believe, I find comfort, digging through piles of hollow pebbles, searching for the one stone that would add oxygen to a dying flame. Now where do I hide these silly thoughts that bounce in unequal patterns around in my head and I want to retract my feelings, but ...

Here I stand, trying to hold together borders that are about to give way - a vessel so full of love and affection, about to explode. Not sure if I can contain it - oozing from every orifice of my body. I only want to share all this emotion with one to whom I can prove my devotion. So fed up with giving love that's left unnoticed and frustrated with wasted energy that never is reciprocated. So what am I do with this? Some say that my desire defies nature's demand that I find my borrowed rib in the womb of a woman. But my longing transcends the physical yearnings for satisfaction. I want to be happy - an obscure feeling, both subjective and illusive - carrying with it unmeasurable costs, and I am willing to pay. And if fate sees fit to leave me here standing, I give this heart of mine - useless and empty to be taken from me. Taken so that I have not to feel this vacancy scratching and tearing, thrashing and mutilating this aching vessel. By Andrew J. Dorsey February 2, 2010 ...

Why does it matter so, when I'm so very scared of the entanglements of love's affairs? Why does it matter when the hurt is felt so strongly that it overpowers the will to move on past barriers set by the thought of being left alone with a feeling that started this journey to find the missing peice. Even God knows that we were meant to share this thing called life with someone - not being greedy - I only want one. Of all the fish in the ocean, of all the birds in the sky, of all the stars in space - I ask only that one would brave enough to stand proudly by my side and share with me this thing they call life. But here I sit writing again the same emotion, using different words. I walk the same path with different shoes and wonder why I always end up back were I started - back where the path began - continuing the journey to find that one, single missing peice. Starring at my phone with a lost puppy's gaze - hoping, praying, waiting for the call that will change forever th...

Thank you very much dead beat parent - with your sorry ass! You have made me so very angry - so angry!! This beautiful baby, the fruit of your bloodline, slapped down by your hand. You neglect and deny the privilege and honor to have this angel in your life. The anger in me wants you to burn in hell after a violet, brutal death, but when I look into the eyes of this perfect gift your've given, I see God in your creation and pray that one day soon, your eyes would open and realize that your love and attention mean so much more to your child than a $10, random item from any store. From anger, my emotion turns into pity - not for the child, who will grow up without really knowing you or the single parent who has to do it all alone - for God will fill the void in the child's life, and God will provide a way for that lonely parent.  But I do pity you, dead beat parent - Shame on you and your family for sitting idly by while this child, the fruit of your blood cries at night, wond...

Something has to change, and I am the person to activate my own change!  I won't be mad at the mirror for not reflecting the image of the desired persona.  My whole character has morphed into something I do not even recognize. Who or what have I become?  I feel so very lost between dreams, in a constant battle to confirm one definition - any definition that might lay a blueprint or guideline for what I am to become.  Yes it is all up to me. I am standing at the starting line of a race I am too scared to run. Standing in the spotlight with an eager crowd, who will inevitably become victims of a choice. The choice that will activate change.  Today is a new day, a new year, today is another start of another beginning that has to be different from my beginnings' ancestors. This beginning will have it's own identity, separate from the rest.  On my mark, I'm ready, I'm set, and then..... I go!!!!!! By Andrew J. Dorsey January 1, 2010 - 11:00 p.m.